Blended Families: Making the transition successfully

Meriam Websters dictionary defines the term  “Blended Family” as the following: a family that includes children from a previous marriage of the wife, husband, or both parents(Merriam Webster Dictionary). Many times when this topic is brought up people often jump to the conclusion that there must have been a divorce. Blended families are more complex than that as there are a plethora of different reasons why blended families come into existence. I think Anderson and Sabatelli define blended families very well. “All stepfamily members have experienced important losses( g.g., parental death or divorce; loss of the single parent family structure; changes in residence, income and social and peer networks; changes in relationships with grandparents”( Anderson and Sabatelli 315). 

We understand that blended families have experienced losses and brokenness of all different types. None the less no matter the reason nor the origin of the particular blended family we can draw strength when we walk into a church building and find families being converted through the gospel of Jesus Christ being identified with his death, burial, and resurrection.  Obviously having the salvation message of Acts 2: 38 applied activates the work of the spirit.  What the world may look at as broken, God looks at as mended through the work of his spirit. A blended family in the church represents the healing, mending, binding, miraculous power of his handy work.  God loves blended families just as much as he loves nuclear families. An apostolic blended family is a great testimony to the redemptive power of Jesus Christ and is simply beautiful.

I could not imagine parenting, being a husband, provider, pastor, counselor, without the Holy Ghost.  The same principle is applied to blended families. I could not imagine trying to work through the complex challenges that blended families provide without the Holy Ghost.  With that said, in this article I would like to share four guiding principles to being successful in a blended family transition.

Number one: Do not speak evil of the parent of the previous marriage.  Blended families become blended for many different reasons.  However, for blended families whom have pre-existing children from their previous marriages, it is imperative that the biological parent not be talked about in a negative way. First of all it’s a biblical principle; Ephesians 4:29 says the following “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers” ( KJV). You see when negative words are said in front of the child toward the ex-spouse the damage is not inflicted upon the ex-spouse, it is inflicted upon the child.  The biological child in a blended family is fifty percent his/her mother and fifty percent his/her father. The child is the one whom is tore down and damaged not the ex-spouse in the other household. In my counseling of many blended families over the years and observations of esteemed colleagues, I have learned the following: the parent that is being attacked is not blamed by the child, but the parent doing the attacking is resented by the child as they grow up into adulthood. I pray no one has to ever answer to their twenty four year old child being asked why they talked about the other parent. Trust me those questions will come if negativity is spoken toward the other parent.  Corrupt communication is a cancer to a successful blended family transition.

Number two:  Do not favor one child over the other.   A parent must love their step-child just as much as they love their biological child.  At Christmas an equal amount of gifts should be given to the biological children as well as the step-children.  Children are quick to notice favoritism and it acts as a breeding ground for intense anger, aggression, hurt, resentment, disappointment, and even un-forgiveness for the child whom is being unequally treated.  Parents whom treat their children equally have obeyed this scripture, 1 Timothy 3:4King James Version (KJV) 4: One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity.

Number three: Understand your role as a step parent. Being a step parent does not mean you take on the full responsibility of the biological parent in the other home. Being a step parent means you support your spouse in parenting by letting the biological parent do the heavy disciplining for their biological child. This is especially important for the heavy hitter issues that can arise in parenting. A step parent’s role is to be in unity and fully support their spouse in the parenting role. This was emphasized in a book Family Interaction by Anderson and Sabatelli. The child only has one biological mother and one biological father. How wonderful is it though when the biological mother is not serving God and not engaged in  a holy life style and the step-mother in a blended family can step up and be the Godly, holy, biblical example of an apostolic mother the bible way.  You see God can use step parent to fill missing voids in the lives of blended family children. Thank God for this wonderful substitute that can be identified as a step parent. The same can be said for an unholy father as God can provide a child a holy step-father figure.  Joseph was a step -father and he loved Jesus as his own knowing that he was not the biological father of Christ. What a great biblical example of a step-father. Remember Jesus was a child in a blended family himself.

Number four: Parents must me united one hundred percent of the time.  This is a challenge when the bio parents live in different households.  Bio- parents must try to communicate parenting styles to one another and set clear and consistent guidelines in both homes. This is including but not limited to academics, curfew, holiness, spirituality, emotional wellbeing, rewards, and disciplinary consequences.  I understand that this is not always reality and with that said, parents only have control over what goes on in their household and should set parameters at least in their own home under their own roof. This can especially apply to spiritual disciplines taught by an apostolic parent when the ex-spouse is no longer following this apostolic truth. The more unity in a blended family the healthier the blended family unit will be. 1Timothy 5:8 But if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel ( KJV). We must do our part to inpart Godly principles into our children while we have the opportunity. Do not minimize your influence in the Lord, your children see it and will respond to it.

There is not a specific handbook for each blended family, however God has it under control. Seek his guidance, reach out to your pastor, pray, and if you need to seek professional counseling assistance especially for parenting. Parenting is the toughest job on earth and it does not become easier in a blended family it becomes more challenging. This is why it is important to reach out to the supports around you for assistance.  Parenting resources I recommend are the following: is Love and Logic Parenting and The parenting handbook: Systematic Training for effective parenting.  You can find these resources on the internet. With wisdom and the guidance of the Holy Ghost you can be successful in your blended family transition. The books I recommended are very insightful for blended families and nuclear families.

                                                        Work Cited

1. Family Interaction; Stephen A  Anderson and Ronald M Sabatelli. Copy right 1999 Published by Allyn and Bacon
2. King James Bible